Playing my own hunger games. How much hunger can I stand? How many hours in a day can I go without eating? I find that it sometimes is harder than others, that I enjoy the feeling of my cold limbs and cuddling on the couch just with myself and my fatigue. Although I know at home I tend to eat. When and IF there is food I tend to eat it. If there is none I pace around, then take long baths, enjoy the warmth around my body… I definitely enjoy that! Mostly because I’m cold all the time now. I haven’t lost any weight though… which is weird and my nutritionist said she’s always awed at it but thinks my metabolism has shut down so much that it just won’t do anything and use every energy I give it to keep up the daily functioning. Great. I want to LOSE weight and STARVE myself a little closer to death. Sad how impossible my body makes it for me to mold it into what it should be. Drives me crazy and at the same time motivates me to try harder and harder.
I want my head full of food and my body rid of it. I want to avoid my classes and ‘friends’ and just deal with food all day long. It’s like an addiction. Not “like” – it IS an addiction! And I like it, I want it, I want to own it. I want to make it MINE. Instead I feel like I don’t even have the willpower to make it from one hour to the next without food. Stupid.