Seeing her again…

Two things happened last week (including today) that I didn’t expect and wasn’t prepared to deal with. I saw one of my Ex-roommates and possibly ex best friends again. Not in a social setting but in a class we’ll be having together and at worship just a couple of minutes ago.
I thought I would be prepared for the worship service but I wasn’t. I was at the brink of tears more than once, knowing she was there but wouldn’t talk to me or acknowledge me. And she didn’t. I fled the building after the service. She, apparently, did too, for I saw her walking out a couple of minutes after me.
Seeing her in that class was even less pleasant. I was dumbfounded…. I was confused for the duration of the class and hope I didn’t mess things up terribly by being inattentive. I usually am not but knowing that she was sitting a couple seats down the row made me anxious. I couldn’t say anything right, couldn’t do anything right. I’m wondering what that will mean for the rest of the semester? I will have to sit through the class and though I know I can just not participate in the discussions I would find that pretty damn boring. Maybe. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll just let her talk and I’ll be quiet and take notes. Can’t be worse than that, right? But that’s what I thought before the semester started, too and now I’m in a class with her.

Apart from that. The eating? Nothing. Zilch. Today I didn’t eat anything and I’m not going to for sure. Yesterday I ate a “lean cuisine” meal with 170 calories and that was it. Too much, I know, since I didn’t do any sport and it also showed on the scale this morning. But right now I can’t eat, can’t even think about it. There’s too much shame and guilt and unworthiness. Why do I deserve to eat anything at all? I don’t think I deserve it… so why would I eat then? I know it will mess up my medication but right now I don’t care. The medication is supposed to make me feel better, not worse, but all it does is make me not care, especially not about my body. Never-ending story of my life, I guess.

But I’ll treat myself to a movie tonight and watch “Buck”… maybe… I mean I’ve been debating if I want to see it and it would keep me out of the house for a while but… I don’t know. I need to get off my lazy ass instead of working on stuff for school. šŸ˜‰


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