It’s like a snowball effect: Whenever something happens in life there’s a big chance that other bad things happen right alongside it. Just to make things interesting, I guess.
I’ve had trouble with my eating and my body image since I was a child but apparently Bipolar Disorder, being in the hospital, having my life blown up to pieces just made it worse and visible. And honest person that I am I couldn’t keep from telling the only people in my life who I could still trust and who would keep it confidential. My psychiatrist, my psychologist and the nutritionist that I had to see because my parents mentioned it to my psychiatrist when they were here.
Anyway. So after about two months of seeing all three of them separately but consistently they noticed I got worse and worse with my eating and over-exercising. Yesterday we had something like an intervention. Sort of. We all sat together in one room, three professionals and I… it wasn’t exactly intimidating since I knew all of them individually and had been in contact with them regularly before and because I like them all. Nevertheless it was weird. Interesting. I dubbed them my “Women Warriors” in my head when I was sitting there, since they are so committed to helping me get out of the Eating Disorder and also committed to helping me straighten out my life and finding medication that works for me.
I’m still exhausted and overwhelmed by it, knowing that they want to help me but not knowing why. Yes, because it’s their job but why care? It’s not like I’m important. My psych made some funny comments about me. She thinks I’m smart… yeah right. But I like her. She’s the funniest of the bunch though they all are funny in their own way and we did a lot of laughing and giggling in there. But in retrospect I’m scared and sad and something else I can’t quite put my finger on. I don’t want to disappoint them, maybe that’s it. I want to be a success and not let them down but even only thinking about it makes me want to recoil from them and hide in a dark corner. I don’t have the strength or the energy right now. I can’t fight this, on top of everything else, and be a success. Why do they have to put the strain on me as well, the push for success? I thought I had a break from that, now that I got away from my parents and only need to compete with myself and me. And there’s nothing in the world that I would do less than compete with me. I hate competition, I’m too much of a freedom lover to participate in that. Unless: I know that I’ll be the winner. THEN I like competition but only because I know I won’t be a failure. I can’t stand failing. I can’t stand being a disappointment. But with my Women Warriors it’s a different story now – I don’t want to disappoint them but I also don’t want to give up the choices I make when I eat. Or don’t eat.
And on top of that classes start in two days, I will probably have to see some of the old “friends” again and I am not allowed to go to the one group at the CHDC that I really wanted to go to. Just because one of my “friends” might be there. Why doesn’t she get kicked out? It’s an excellent question. But I won’t ask. I’ll take it, I’ll bow to it and let it go.
I hate my life at the moment, although I also like it. I just don’t know what to do about the deep dark holes in my life. And I always feel likes I’m dancing on a volcano. Yikes.