Can’t go on (like this)

The words I can’t go on, I can’t do it anymore, are not in my vocabulary. Not in the active one I use every day. Of course I can do it, of course I can go on… it’s just a matter of starting it, right? I have no idea where to start and what to do. I have a week to polish up the 40-odd pages I came up with for my thesis. Not enough. Not enough considering that my brain doesn’t want to work anymore and will only give me brief moments of clarity during which I need to cram and write as much as possible. I did write the whole thesis in about 4 days. Amazing. Now I’m drained, tired, finished. Yet I need to push through and go on. On and on and on and on. I don’t know what the point is or why she’s making it so hard. It’s not going to get published, it’s not going to be something I will ever go back to and read again. If only I could say I won’t go on for a PhD. Would that make things easier? Would they let me off the hook easier.

I don’t know but I’ll need to go. Go and write. Go and finish it. Go and do. Nike. Just do it. Maybe that’s what I need to think about. There’s nothing else but to function… and there never was.


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