does that mean I’m on the brink of doing something I shouldn’t be doing? All if know is that I’m getting restless and feeling utterly lonely. Left alone by my “friends”. Those people who said they were friends but when I needed them backed out. Ha! I’m glad I know who my friends are now but at the same time I am very sad because those people I loved so dearly are not my friends anymore. I wish I could be angry, too, but it doesn’t happen.
And then there’s this “I don’t care” feeling. I just don’t care. Yeah, they hurt me, yeah, I am hurting but – it doesn’t matter and I don’t care. It doesn’t affect me at all… yet on a deeper psychological level it probably does and I just don’t realize it. That’s my take on things. But again, if I were to talk about all of this with my shrink she would probably be very alert and want to send me to the loony bin again. And I’m NOT going back there again. Not so much because it was bad, it was somewhat ok, but because it costs quite a lot of money to be confined to limited space for a week. $10,000 that I don’t have, even if my insurance would pay for the rest of it! And while I’m talking about my insurance – I viewed all the claims filed and everything for the last couple of months… there was one that said “suicide ideation call”. Great. Officially a loony. lol. Can’t help but NOT take it seriously as I know I wouldn’t go that way again… meaning I wouldn’t ever be this dumb again to tell someone what I was planning. I saw where it got me and what it did to my social life. Never again!
Yet I wish I could be angry. I wish I could hurt someone. I wish I could make someone pay for it. But I know it’s just me and my stupid body has to pay for it!!!!!!