Amazon search

Lol – so I just did an amazon search with the term “methods of suicide” to see if I would get any hits. Amazon spit out “Your search ‘methods of suicide’ did not match any products in: Tool & Home Improvement” – made me laugh! HOME IMPROVEMENT. I mean that’s what it comes down to, right? I’d be improving my home if I killed myself. Unfortunately I’m too responsible for that. Sort of. I have to housesit animals for a while and until I’m done with that I just can’t do it. Seriously, it’s one thing hurting people but it’s a whole other thing to just leave animals behind who can’t fend for themselves.
That’s also what I told my shrink today so she wouldn’t send me to the hospital again. I don’t want to go back there again but I know if I told her that I have not only thought about killing myself but also have the means to and have even written letter of goodbye to the people important to me… she’d probably have me admitted again. Yikes! I always thought shrinks were there to talk to but apparently there’s a line and I’m afraid to telll my shrink anything important again because the last time I did she had me admitted to the loony bin. Can’t pay for that again!!

Apart from that I’m recovering from the vacation with my parents, eating too little and drinking too much, overexercising and not doing the thesis writing I should be doing. Life as usual. Also haven’t heard from my other thesis yet… I’m not particularly afraid I didn’t pass. I don’t care is more like it. With all these meds and the general exhaustion I can only say that I seriously don’t care about anything right now. My life, my work, N-o-t-h-i-n-g.  Good or bad? I don’t know. I just wish I could put an end to this.

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