Manic cycle

I seem to be going through the manic cycle all in one day these days, sometimes even multiple times in one day. One minute I feel like embracing the world, grappling with the diagnosis but otherwise quite fine. Then I hit rock bottom because of something and just want to cry, curl up, feel nothing and die. Once suicide is in my head mania swings by again and devises all these plans of how to and when to do it. But it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I’m frustrated and angry most of the time, I can’t get my brain to calm down enough to grasp one thought and when I am able to do so the thoughts trickle in as if it’s a sunny day outside of a store for winter clothes…

The denial tactic doesn’t work, the avoidance doesn’t work. I just want to be normal and not deal with this but that doesn’t seem to work either. 😦 I’ve got to take my pills and if I don’t I’m spiraling up and down and in and out again. Just over an over, worse and worse. And there’s not much fun in doing this, let me tell you… I just want to get it over with once and for all! But since no one wants to hear about that I can’t even talk about it. So there goes any notion of talking about it. I don’t even want to share it with my shrink who I dearly like and would love to share more with. Ah well…..thanks, roommate! You’ll get the bill!

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