So I guess before/instead of doing anything I’d rather sit here and write and write… write about whatever comes into my head right now which might not make sense but is all I can do so as not to go outside and buy a rope. A rope, the meds that I already have and then hunt down a good tree to hang myself. I don’t know where the thoughts are coming from, I don’t know what to do anymore and I just wish that I could get my act together and get over this. Still way too mad at Alexis and now she wants to talk. Tom also tried to talk to me. I don’t want to talk to her or anyone else, I don’t even want to be near her. But I don’t know what to do. I wish I could camp out somewhere else, be in my car and drive around instead of being with people. I know I have a meeting tomorrow morning with Sarah and then on Wednesday I need to get my blood drawn. On Thursday I will have to talk to Dr Howard again. I feel so unstable, unsteady, my thoughts are racing and I’m raging mad. I don’t know what to do with myself, how to get rid of the anger and I don’t know how to get my life under control. I’m just one of those loonies, just one of those people who can’t do anything and will not be able to do anything. Tom’s suggestion was to push myself. ??? That’s what got me into this situation and he tells me to push myself more and more. How much more? When is it enough? When can I just lie down and not do anything? When do I get a break from this? It seems I can only get a break when I take the break. It seems I have to deal with this myself because no one can deal with it. I don’t even know what Sarah and/or Dr Howard can do. Both are probably sympathetic but apart from that…? I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t want to go down this road anymore, I don’t want to feel all this anymore. I am miserable, as Dr Howard so adequately and pointedly put it. And there’s not a lot I am looking forward to other than the summer and hopefully/maybe finding a place for next year to live. Who knows, there might be something up in the neighborhood that I could rent and just have my own space finally. No more roommate trouble and certainly nothing which would bring other people to snoop around in my life!! HATE her!
But over all I’m just very tired and exhausted……….