Urgh

Didn’t really sleep a lot last night. Drifted to sleep around 2:48am and woke up again multiple times and then for got at 4:30am. So less than two hours. =( I don’t think that’s a good sign! And I’m jittery again, my mind is starting to speed up some. I have thoughts but it’s hard to keep one in place long enough to examine it. Sad!

Then I’m also trying to decipher what to do with my roommate. I understand why she went to the counseling center and it’s great she did it for herself. I’m just mad she didn’t talk to me first and – even worse – that I had to deal with this shit about being hospitalized. If she was paying the bills I wouldn’t have a problem with that but I just don’t have the financial capacities to go to the hospital. Plus I don’t think I need it. Hmmmm…
I don’t want to talk to her but at the same time I want to shout at her to stay out of my life. I know she worries and I told her multiple times that I’m in good hands. Still she worries. Ah well…. what to do, what to do? Seriously though I can’t wait for her to get back and to really really really keep her away from me. She doesn’t deserve my trust anymore and that is something I need to keep in mind. It’s a trick question when people ask how you are – it’s only a trick question. They want to trick you into believing that they care but in reality they are looking for something to bring you down! I don’t want her to play that game with me and I will advise her never to ask how I am again so I won’t be tempted to actually answer that question. By her not talking to me she belittled me and betrayed me. I don’t want that again so it’s go to be clear to her that I won’t be talking about any medical things with her anymore. Neither with any of the other people for clearly they will leave me alone thereafter. I can understand her limitations but she should keep my name out of this and just care about her own business. I’m still mad…. though I just want to get away from her now. I’ve been thinking about moving out so I don’t have to live with her anymore. Once I’m out of the house she doesn’t have reason to worry anymore. Hopefully? I mean, that’s what I hoped during December and it worked. I was by myself and I could do what I liked. She didn’t care, which is a good thing. So maybe that’s all it needs – mee being out of the house!

Besides that I finally had one day and night of NOT cutting myself! Yay for that! Great accomplishment. Hopefully it will get better soon! And I hope I can convince my psychiatrist to not send me to the hospital. Interestingly enough I have her direct number and could call her if I needed to but I don’t want to abuse that. Sarah likewise said that she knows I don’t abuse the counseling sessions and that she would tell me if it were inappropriate for me to call for an “urgent” appointment. That is very good to know, very comforting, since I always think I am wasting other people’s time. I guess I’m not then? Or maybe it’s because they get paid for it?

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