Bipolar is wearing off

Yay for the title: Bipolar is wearing off! With meds being taken care of I am finally starting to feel less agitated, less energetic, my thoughts are starting to slow down enough to actually make sense of them and in general I think I’m returning to being “me” again as much as I can be “me”. I don’t know what will happen now in terms of the depression, since I don’t know what the effect of it will be once the Celexa and Seroquel are out of my system. I seriously don’t want to take the Seroquel again as it makes me act and feel like I’m on LSD! If I had know that before I would have refused to take it but as it happens it seems that I get the side-effects only 1 of 10,000 people ever get, namely all the worst ones. But I’m glad both my psychiatrist and my therapist are people who take good care of me. My psychiatrist made me call her every hour on Tuesday because of the new meds and she has constantly been seeing me in the mornings since Mondays. Yesterday she called me because I had missed an appointment with my therapist and she wanted to know why (and that’s like at 4:35 and I had the appointment at 4:30!). My therapist also called and asked about me, left a voice-mail and then said she’d call again in 10 minutes if I hadn’t checked in with her by then. Anyway, it got all sorted out but I was humbly amazed by how much these people care about how I’m doing. In a professional sense, yes, but they care. That in turn makes me feel very confused and sad because I don’t understand how people can care about me and worry about me. Anyone, not only friends but other people who seem to worry and always ask me if I want a hug. I don’t understand any of it.

I also wonder about my closest friend and roommate, who seemed to be very withdrawn the last couple of days. She asked me not to talk to her about my nightmares anymore or just in general about what’s going on with me. So I don’t. It’s sad but I don’t. Nevertheless she keeps asking and all I could do was say to her “I will not answer that question. I’m fine. You don’t want to know any of that stuff”! I hope she is ok. I miss her as a friend but I know we all have our limitations. That’s why I didn’t dumb any more on her. But I’m sad to see her drift away from me because I want to keep her close but I don’t want her to know about the things I’m going through at the moment. Ups and downs…

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