Food & purging

Drank too much beer last night (two bottles) and too much wine (one bottle). Then had wayyyy too much food given the fact that I usually don’t really eat anything. Also makes me drunk faster. Today I feel fat because of that and guilty. Guilty for being so FAT! I sit here and can feel the roll that is my stomach being flabby and chubby. Yikes! Of course coming back to other people: They always tell me I’m not fat but only because they don’t want me to be as thin as they are! THEY are really thin, THEY don’t have any fat on their bodies. But I know I won’t be fooled by that anymore, it’s all a trick! They want to make me miserable, make me different but I’ll try harder and harder to be thin and to be just like them. We’ll see who wins this game…!

This morning I took laxatives for the first time in months. I know it says I’ll only lose water but I don’t want the food to be digested at all. The stuff I shoved into my mouth all night. I took some laxatives prior to going to the party and then afterwards. Had a fairly good effect! 😉 We’ll see how that goes. Today will be a “Apple-and-water” day since I know I’ll probably not get a lot of exercise in. I could walk to school and back instead of taking the car, which would mean a half-hour walk one-way…. that is actually a great idea since it’s also fairly nice outside. Yeah. But that won’t change the Apple-and-water day. I have one apple left that I want to eat and I will fill and re-fill my water bottle to get me through the day. As long as my stomach is full of water it won’t complain. And the apple will be pushed back further and further until I can’t hold it off anymore. Although I hope I might be able to just NOT eat the damn apple. THIS is my life! Cutting, food, purging, etc. (cuz, really, I didn’t hold in the food I ate at the party, I purged after I came home… though I know it was probably too late by then).

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows!

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