I guess I did too much whining the last couple of days. Or maybe not too much but to the wrong people? I don’t know. I just told one of my friends a little about the reason why I’m depressed and she just wrote me an email that she needs to take care of herself and that we should have a conversation about how this friendship can go on, meaning she’s got to set some boundaries and I should quit talking to her.
Subsequently I made some smart moves (I think) in making a point of talking to her very cheerfully, exaggerating how well I’m doing etc. etc. After I fooled her thus and she left to run some errands I went straight to he bathroom and cut myself. Some fairly clean, straight, nice, bloody cuts. It was very pain reliving – knowing that she’ll probably not be a friend anymore if I actually told her how I’m doing.
A question for everyone out there: What’s a friendship supposed to be? In the past and from my experience I’m always the one who has to listen, has to give advise, has to smile when others walk all over me – and they in turn are allowed to turn away at the first opportunity when I think I can trust them enough and start sharing some of my feelings. It seems so unfair yet that’s the way it always is.
My explanation for that is to look at it as a trick! It’s a trick when people ask how you’re doing. They don’t really want to know but they want to trick you into believing you can trust them and then when you do *bang* they turn around and say they can’t be your friend anymore and you should fend for yourself. Hmmm… that, again, seems so unfair but I guess if that’s the trick then I’ll play that little game with them. Only a bit different: I will pretend not to know but I’ll stop showing them my real emotions! If all people care about is to see the “happy person” then that’s what I’m going to be. Although I might hate it.
People seem to have a right to hurt me, no matter what I do to make them stop.Dunno why. Life, I guess.
Anyhow, this is just how I feel right now but I’ll not bore you with that anymore. I was fortunate enough today to be able and fool this “good friend”. There’s going to be a party tonight that I have to be at and I hope I’ll be able to keep the charade up. It’ll probably be hard but I keep my fingers crossed that I can pull it off. I will not be tricked into believing people! I will not be tricked into trusting people again just so they can hurt me! 🙂