So my counselor said that I should distract myself when I want to cut and try to find out what the reasons are for the desire to hurt myself. I’ll try to do both in one and write this post in an attempt to make sense of my emotions and my desire to cut my own skin.
First off I have to say that I enjoy seeing my blood, I enjoy seeing it, touching it, smelling it and tasting the iron taste of it in my mouth. I enjoy taking pictures of my cutting. I enjoy the few seconds after I have cut but before blood shows on the skin. It’s as if the skin is in shock for a few seconds until it realizes what is happening, that there is blood to be shed…
I enjoy cutting because it hurts my body (and I HATE my body). I enjoy cutting because it gives me a sense of control. No one besides myself is able to hurt me as much as I can hurt myself. Although friends always try to hurt me, although they are always on the lookout for my weak spot to dig in and twist the knife… only I have control over my body and the pain that I inflict on it.
Now for the reason why I want to cut right now… because I’m agitated, anxious, feeling lonely and because friends have hurt me. I don’t want to give them the right to hurt me and I want to make sense of the emotions I have. My friends hurt my, but why? Because they have the right to hurt me, ok. Now what would happen if I didn’t let it show that I hurt? Then they wouldn’t feel satisfaction and would try to go even deeper. But they have already hurt me, only I didn’t let it out. In order to cope with that I need to hurt myself so that I can deal with the past pain as well as the pain that is to come in the future. It’s like a cycle… as long as I don’t react to the pain inflicted on me by my friends they will keep on hurting me. In order to release the pain they have inflicted on me and in order to be able and deal with the pain that is to come in the future I need to cut myself. Makes sense to me. It’s not healthy, I know, but it’s the only way I can deal with my friends and remain a human being. If I don’t tolerate them hurting me, they’ll stop being my friends. Although it sucks having friends like that I know they only want my best and they aren’t ALWAYS like that. Thy do love me, they do care about me, they just have no other way of showing their love to me. I’m used to that, I know how to deal with that!! I just have to remind myself over and over again… they are my friends! And friends hurt you! And you have to live with the pain if you want to have friends!